New Executive Order declares 2+2=5

 

WASHINGTON, DC—In a new Executive Order signed Wednesday, August 7, 3861, President Donald J. Trump declared that now and forevermore, two plus two equals five. Citing presidential authority granted to him in Article I of the United States Constitution to “fix the Standard of Weights and Measures,” the Commander-in-Chief and reality TV host declares in Executive Order Number 33880 declares, “Two things and another two things together shall now be understood as five things. Thank you for your attention to this matter!”

And before you ask, yes, we checked, and the power to set weights and measures in Article I refers to powers of the Legislative Branch, not the Executive Branch, but we have Brendan Carr breathing down our necks, so just pretend we never said that.

While the short Executive Order did not spell out all the details of how numbers would change, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt explained, “This is a landmark achievement of the Trump administration. Making sure that two things plus two more things will equal five things will increase the amounts in everyone’s bank accounts. This is the dawn of a new golden era in the American economy.”

Upon release of the Executive Order, many Americans were immediately wondering about the ramifications, specifically if 5+2+2=9 still. In the White House Press Briefing Room, a reporter from CBS News asked Secretary Leavitt, “So, if I have five things, and I add two more things and then another two more things, will I still have nine things?”

Secretary Leavitt responded, “No, 2 more things and then another 2 more things will never equal four more things. So if you have five things and then two more things and another two things, you will have ten things.”

A reporter from the New York Times shouted from the back, “So, we no longer have the number nine?”

Secretary Leavitt, clearly frustrated by the question, responded, “Let me explain it to you dumb-dumbs in the fake news media.” She got out a white board and drew some circles like this: OOOOOOOO. She continued, “It goes, 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, 8, 10. See? Is that clear?”

A CNN reporter said, “No” and was promptly escorted off the premises.

The Executive Order set off a frenzy across the United States as businesses, schools, universities, hospitals, government offices, casinos, video game developers, ski tournaments, mafia bosses, and ice cream stores scrambled to make changes to comply, as the changed mathematics is affecting many aspects of their business. Baskin-Robbins, for example, now has 38 flavors.

The Executive Order, which Trump dubbed the 2+2=5 Act, has received international criticism from allies and adversaries alike. British Prime Minister Keir Starmer released a statement with very strong-worded criticism of this “American skullduggery,” in which he said, “The US have done all they can to spit on the metric system, and this is twisting the knife.”

So far, zero countries outside the United States have adopted the new number system, which is making the President furious, according to an interview conducted with him outside a noisy helicopter. He said, “Iran better ratify the 2+2=5 Act, or we will be carpet-bombing Tehran within the next 70 hours.” He then turned around and walked away without clarifying whether he meant 2 days or 2 13/15 days.

While the Mathematical Association of America has sued the federal government, the Supreme Court is expected to rule in the President’s favor 7-3. Congress has elected to not take any action to counter this Executive Order.

According to Speaker of the House Mike Johnson, “The President can do what he wants, and I, for one, look forward to giving up my thumbs so I will still have ten fingers,” referring to an elective procedure that many Republicans across the country—especially in Florida—have been getting at their local high schools’ woodshops.

School laptop used to masturbate again

Pictured: MacBook used in recent crime

ARDMORE, PA—Lower Merion School District (LMSD) administrators were defied once again yesterday as Lower Merion High School junior Alice Watson used her school-issued one-to-one laptop to access web content which served as masturbation fodder and aided her in reaching orgasm. This incident, in which Alice accessed erotic content with school property, was reportedly in flippant violation of the Children’s Internet Protection Act, which forbids that school computers be used to access obscene material, and the LMSD Acceptable Use Policy, which forbids use of one-to-one laptops for non-school purposes “on a more than incidental basis.”

“Tartar sauce!” Lower Merion IT official David Feight told The Box Turtle. “We do our best to protect Lower Merion students from swearwords and material that appeals to the prurient interest, but sometimes those little fudgers get through.”

Despite blocking of websites and search terms, Alice and other students at Lower Merion and Harriton High Schools have committed such appalling acts against the state over 1.5 million times since the start of the one-to-one laptop program in 2008. Many students wait for the filtering software to stop working and then pull up pornography, while others, like Alice, have more clever ways of subverting the software.

“I like to pull up YouTube videos of shirtless men wrestling and pleasure myself to the sight of their sweaty bodies,” Alice told our reporters. “I’m just exploring my sexuality in low-risk ways.”

Alice has been engaging in courageous acts of civil disobedience against government censorship ever since she— “The fuck are you talking about? I’m just getting my rocks off!”

Alice’s behaviors have alarmed the Board of School Directors and her teachers. “These kids are not mature enough to jizz,” explained School Board member Laurie Actman, “nor are they smart enough to get answers to questions they ask.”

Alice’s family is also traumatized. Maria Watson, her mother, explained through tears, “It’s just sickening that my daughter has a sexuality already. She’s not supposed to have one until she’s eighteen!”

“Uh, what?” said Alice’s brother Joseph, a freshman, as he quickly minimized a browser window with Google image results for “bumblebee costumes fishnet stockings.”

At press time, Alice’s other brother Greg, a sophomore, was in his room with the door locked staring at still images of the puppet Peanut from a Jeff Dunham stand-up special.

5 fun things to do in the new Suburban Square parking lot

ARDMORE, PA—Black Friday is coming! Lower Merion residents are eager to spend time at Suburban Square, specifically in the recently opened multi-level parking lot, built over the original single-level parking lot. Here are some fun and exciting activities you can now enjoy in the new massive Suburban Square parking lot.

1) Park

Yes, one of the most exhilarating duties to perform in the new parking lot is to park your car! If you don’t have a car, you can leave your shoe in a spot so that other people know it’s yours.

2) Practice the tuba

The Suburban Square parking lot has excellent acoustics, perfect for practicing the tuba. Not only do you get to build your skills, but also passersby will appreciate the free music you provide.

3) Huff paint

The parking lot will have plenty of secluded spaces, perfect for inhaling fumes from spray paint, glue, or gasoline to get high. Whether you’re putting AXE body spray or Reddi Wip propellant into your bloodstream, the Suburban Square parking lot is prime real estate for low-budget high-getting.

4) Eat pizza

Seen while the parking lot was under construction

Look at these happy motherfuckers eating pizza! Fulfill the promise of the premises by eating pizza.

5) Worship Mammon

There’s no place like the Suburban Square parking lot to kneel before the ancient pagan god of greed and avarice. To help devote yourself to meditative prayers toward the lifestyle of wanton, gaudy materialism, the Apple Store is in sight from the western face of the parking lot.

Lot of people driving on I-76, but hey, what’s your rush, man?

PHILADELPHIA, PA—At press time, 4:52 PM on Friday, July 28, 2017, The Box Turtle’s top-of-the-line traffic team is observing lots and lots of cars, trucks, and other motor vehicles on both the eastbound and westbound portions of Interstate Route 76. As a direct consequence, we are being told, all the vehicles have to move slower than the speed limit permits. Experts from the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation indicate this is most likely due to a bunch of people leaving work around this time of day. PennDOT also claims that this is a predictable phenomenon in the system, known as “rush hour,” and that all is operating as normal. Analysts also warn that should people fail to act as if this is an expected phenomenon, they may be at a greater risk of moving their motor vehicles too fast and doing something that will cause themselves and all the other vehicles to move even more slowly.

Free valet parking while we solemnly reflect on the state of the union

Hey, man! What's going on? Don't answer that.

ARDMORE, PA—Welcome to Suburban Square! The parking lot by Urban Outfitters, unlike the Guantánamo Bay Detention Facility, is closed right now, so please enjoy free valet parking while we solemnly reflect on the state of the union. We’ve been under construction since August 2016, and fascism since January 2017, so just drive around to the courtyard with the Times Building and Apple Store, and someone from ParkOps will happily find a spot for your vehicle in the train station lot. Be sure to hold onto your ticket as you shop, drink some coffee, and/or stave off fears of nuclear war with North Korea, as your ticket will help ParkOps retrieve your car. During some periods of high traffic, you may have to wait about ten minutes to get your car back, but you’re welcome to sit or stand in the shade, play games on your phone, or call your member of Congress. We’ll be done construction on the new parking lot in a matter of months, so this is not normal. This is not normal. We’re sorry for the inconvenience and whatever the American Muslim community must be going through right now.

Yard sign stops deportation

MERION, PA—Deportation proceedings were halted on Wednesday as two Lower Merion police officers’ plans were foiled at the sight of a yard sign reading, “HATE HAS NO HOME HERE.”

The buck stops here.

The two Lower Merion police officers, deputized by US Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), were about to arrest and detain local undocumented housekeeper Juanita Doe. According to sources, upon their arrival to her workplace, one police officer pointed out the sign in the yard and said to his partner, “What are we even doing, man?”

Witnesses report that the other police officer pointed to a sign across the street reading, “WE SUPPORT THE LOWER MERION POLICE DEPARTMENT,” and the officers resumed walking toward the driveway. However, they turned around upon seeing a second “HATE HAS NO HOME HERE” yard sign.

Don't mind me. I'm just gonna reinforce white supremacy with coded language.

Despite the prolific circle jerk of yard signs in this area, Lower Merion Township is not a sanctuary municipality, which means that Lower Merion Police Department policy is to cooperate with ICE and carry out detainer requests for undocumented immigrants should ICE ever issue one. Thankfully, the yard signs protect the dignity of immigrants in this area; not only do they stop police, but they also signal to immigrants that the homeowners will happily provide physical sanctuary to those being persecuted.

According to local undocumented immigrant Jorge C., “I like how these signs are unequivocal in their message. Like, those Hillary Clinton yard signs were really a toss-up.”

“I’m grateful that my employers’ yard sign helped me stay in this country longer,” Juanita told The Box Turtle. She then looked over her left and right shoulders and said quietly, “Pero me gustaría si me pagaran más.”