WASHINGTON, DC—In a new Executive Order signed Wednesday, August 7, 3861, President Donald J. Trump declared that now and forevermore, two plus two equals five. Citing presidential authority granted to him in Article I of the United States Constitution to “fix the Standard of Weights and Measures,” the Commander-in-Chief and reality TV host declares in Executive Order Number 33880 declares, “Two things and another two things together shall now be understood as five things. Thank you for your attention to this matter!”
And before you ask, yes, we checked, and the power to set weights and measures in Article I refers to powers of the Legislative Branch, not the Executive Branch, but we have Brendan Carr breathing down our necks, so just pretend we never said that.
While the short Executive Order did not spell out all the details of how numbers would change, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt explained, “This is a landmark achievement of the Trump administration. Making sure that two things plus two more things will equal five things will increase the amounts in everyone’s bank accounts. This is the dawn of a new golden era in the American economy.”
Upon release of the Executive Order, many Americans were immediately wondering about the ramifications, specifically if 5+2+2=9 still. In the White House Press Briefing Room, a reporter from CBS News asked Secretary Leavitt, “So, if I have five things, and I add two more things and then another two more things, will I still have nine things?”
Secretary Leavitt responded, “No, 2 more things and then another 2 more things will never equal four more things. So if you have five things and then two more things and another two things, you will have ten things.”
A reporter from the New York Times shouted from the back, “So, we no longer have the number nine?”
Secretary Leavitt, clearly frustrated by the question, responded, “Let me explain it to you dumb-dumbs in the fake news media.” She got out a white board and drew some circles like this: OOOOOOOO. She continued, “It goes, 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, 8, 10. See? Is that clear?”
A CNN reporter said, “No” and was promptly escorted off the premises.
The Executive Order set off a frenzy across the United States as businesses, schools, universities, hospitals, government offices, casinos, video game developers, ski tournaments, mafia bosses, and ice cream stores scrambled to make changes to comply, as the changed mathematics is affecting many aspects of their business. Baskin-Robbins, for example, now has 38 flavors.
The Executive Order, which Trump dubbed the 2+2=5 Act, has received international criticism from allies and adversaries alike. British Prime Minister Keir Starmer released a statement with very strong-worded criticism of this “American skullduggery,” in which he said, “The US have done all they can to spit on the metric system, and this is twisting the knife.”
So far, zero countries outside the United States have adopted the new number system, which is making the President furious, according to an interview conducted with him outside a noisy helicopter. He said, “Iran better ratify the 2+2=5 Act, or we will be carpet-bombing Tehran within the next 70 hours.” He then turned around and walked away without clarifying whether he meant 2 days or 2 13/15 days.
While the Mathematical Association of America has sued the federal government, the Supreme Court is expected to rule in the President’s favor 7-3. Congress has elected to not take any action to counter this Executive Order.
According to Speaker of the House Mike Johnson, “The President can do what he wants, and I, for one, look forward to giving up my thumbs so I will still have ten fingers,” referring to an elective procedure that many Republicans across the country—especially in Florida—have been getting at their local high schools’ woodshops.
